Quitter's Guidebook (aka How I Did It, But YMMV)

Quitting smoking is said to be one of the toughest addictions to break.  Many try quitting only to quit quitting.  I attempted to give up the habit myself many times before being successful.  As of this writing I've been smoke-free for two years.  I'm going to try to convey "how I did it" in an attempt to help those who might be thinking of quitting.  Maybe one of the things I write here can be the final "Eureka!" that someone needs to give them the edge in their own personal battle with nicotine.  Mind you, this is all from my own perspective.  Others might not have the same success, or be able to do it "my way" for various reasons, which is why I titled this "Your Mileage May Vary."

A lot of people say there are two sides to the addiction to nicotine; the psychological and the physical addiction.  I disagree.  I feel the addiction is three-fold.  I will list them individually then try to describe them as I see them.

1.) The addiction to the nicotine.

2.)The psychological "I NEED to smoke" conditioning.

3.) The physical habit of smoking itself.

#1- Nicotine is the tobacco plants natural protection from being eaten by insects.  By chance this natural insecticide, once inside the brain permits it direct and indirect control over the flow of more than 200 neuro-chemicals, most importantly dopamine.  Dopamine is the brain's primary motivational neurotransmitter.  When you are hungry or thirsty, that craving or desire is caused by the dopamine pathways in your brain telling you to go eat.  Once you have eaten, the need is fulfilled and the cravings fade.  Nicotine causes the same reaction.  When nicotine levels in the brain drop below what it has grown accustomed to as "normal" levels, the dopamine pathways open up, flooding you with cravings, or "need."  Smoking satisfies this "need" and the cravings fade.  This leads to number 2.

#2- "I NEED to smoke".  We condition ourselves through the use of nicotine, to believe that to "feel normal" we NEED to smoke.  I've heard plenty of people say things like "work is too stressful, I NEED to smoke", or "driving is too stressful, I NEED to smoke."  I'm not sure how, but stress triggers cravings, as do many other things.  Even locations can be triggers.  I'm going to be honest.  Nobody NEEDS to smoke.  It is not a necessary thing, like eating breathing drinking or sleeping.  You don't NEED to smoke any more than a person NEEDS to shoot heroine or smoke crack.  It's conditioning.  Smoking calms the dopamine pathways giving us that good satisfied feeling, and stress triggers the craving or "need" to feel good again.

#3- The physical habit of smoking.  Whether you know it or not, just the act of picking up the pack and putting a cigarette in your mouth is part of the addiction.  I noticed this the first time I tried to quit.  I felt constantly like there was something I was forgetting to do.  I always felt like my hands needed to be doing something.  That's because I wasn't smoking.  Holding the cigarette, ashing, twirling it; all the little fidgety things you do while smoking are part of the physical habit, and when you try to quit you aren't doing those things any more, and that can be just as big a part of people quitting quitting as #1 and #2.

Being Done

The most important thing about quitting smoking is simply the above.  You need to really WANT to quit.  You need to be so disgusted with smoking and what it's doing to you that you KNOW it's TIME.  If you aren't at that stage, then I'm sorry, you will not succeed.  "Doing it for the kids" or whatever just won't cut it.  You need to do it because you are DONE with the whole affair.  For me, it was the smell most of all.  It was disgusting.  Chain-smokers were the worst.  They would walk by and I'd feel like I couldn't even breathe.  Opening the car door on a hot summer day and getting hit in the face with that ashtray smell.  Pulling my winter coat out of the closet and smelling how it reeked from last winter.  I was just so disgusted by the smell, the mess, and the cost of smoking; not just in dollars mind you, but in how it was affecting me physically.  I had a permanent dry cough.  I always needed to clear my throat.  Too much exertion made my chest feel like it was being squeezed tighter and tighter.  I caught every cold that was going around and just generally felt crappy all the time.  After 22 or so years of smoking I was finally done with it.

Making a Plan

Before you snuff out that last cigarette you need a plan.  You need to prepare.  I used the patch, putting one on each morning after my shower, although some cannot use them due to allergies to certain adhesives.  But the plan goes beyond that.  Mentally preparing is great, but there's more to do than that.

1. Get rid of ashtrays and lighters and other smoking paraphenilia.  Keeping that stuff around for "when company comes over" is a thinly disguised excuse to make it easier to give up and say "at least I tried."   Do or do not, there is no try.  Don't give yourself an easy out.

2. Clean your car.  Take the ashtray out of the dash and wash it thoroughly.  Mine serves as a coin tray.  I was lucky that the car I own now was never smoked in.  Vaccuum the entire interior, wipe down the dashboard, wash the windows inside and out.  Take it to be professionally cleaned if you want to.  The main thing is to get the cigarette smell out of it as thoroughly as possible because that smell can be a strong trigger.  The same goes for your home.  Clothing, bedding, curtains, carpets, even the walls could use a wipe-down if you smoked in your home.  Eliminate the smell as much as possible.

3. Avoid triggers.  This can be tough, because there are lots of places or times or events that trigger the need to smoke that simply can't be easily avoided, if at all.  Do your best to avoid the triggers.  If you normally went outside after lunch at work to smoke, don't do it any more.  Just being in that area can trigger cravings.  Stay inside and talk to a co-worker, go for a walk, read a book. Do something that has no connection to smoking for you at all.

4. Stop thinking about smoking.  This is probably the worst part, though it seems like a no-brainer.  Stop thinking about it.  One of the problems I had while quitting was constantly thinking about the fact that I wasn't smoking, or concentrating on it when a craving struck.  That panic and fear of "OMG I can't do this, I can't feel like this forever" is what drove me back to smoking.  The real fact is, the craving disappears on it's own within minutes, sometimes even seconds ... if you don't DWELL on it.  Thinking about it and panicking leads to added stress which strengthens the craving, making it more and more unbearable.  Constantly thinking about smoking causes cravings to hit more often.  Stop thinking about it.

5. Distract yourself.  I found this worked very well when cravings hit.  It takes time to "retrain" yourself, but it can be done.  When a craving hits, do something to distract yourself.  Put your mind on something completely unrelated.  Within minutes, the craving fades and you can relax.  The most important thing to realize is that those feelings of stress and panic and unbearable need don't go on and on forever.  It does pass, if you let it.  Chewing gum, sucking on your favorite candy, or holding some small object in your hand to keep it busy can help too.  Find new things to do at the times when you'd normally light up.  Remove yourself from the things that normally trigger cravings.

Succeeding

Success is achieved once you realize that you can get through the day without the crutch of nicotine, and are doing it consistently without even thinking about it.  There is no real formula or guaranteed plan for succeeding at quitting smoking.  You just need to be DONE with it, and determined to beat it.  How you go about it is up to you.  Myself, I did all of the above.  I picked a day to quit, which was a Monday because I figured that trying to quit over a weekend, when I have more idle time, would be a bad idea.  Keeping busy so that you don't dwell on smoking is a huge part of succeeding.  Make a plan, then execute that plan.  Distract yourself from smoking by avoiding situations where you would normally light up.  Find new things to do instead.  There will come a day when you will suddenly realize... "I haven't even thought about it in a week!"  Will you still get occasional cravings?  Most likely.  I still do, but they aren't very strong, and pass quickly.

The thing that will keep you from succeeding the most is the word 'can't.'  "I can't do this."  Yes you can.  You just need to want to.

Trans Terms And Other Realities

There are a lot of different terms out there to describe people, types of people, or lifestyles etc. Many of them get misconstrued or misunderstood by the general public due to plain ignorance of the truth, mininformation by news and other media, stereotypes, religious belief, upbringing, and so on. It's not that the information isn't OUT THERE and readily available, but it does require that a person actively seek the information on their own in most cases. Many people, however, don't want to educate themselves because they are afraid that understanding equals acceptance, and they refuse to accept certain things for various reasons. Usually there is a good amount of fear and prejudice in the way of true understanding and enlightenment. And what would the neighbors thnk?! I kid, but not really.

I've done a ton of research and reading and thinking on these subjects because I truly want to know and understand this world and the people that inhabit it. The following list of terms and their meanings are by no means to be seen as the absolute truth about any of it, but at least I think it can be a means to helping others who might not be aware to at least begin to understand. A lot of people use words and terms without really knowing their meaning, and that is unfortunate because many of those people just don't care what the difference is. People like ME care what the difference is, because those words and phrases are often misused when referring to people like me and can negatively impact our lives in ways big or small.

Transgender- Many might disagree with me because this term has a lot of different meanings attached to it, but from what I have learned and what I personally believe, this is what transgender(ed) means. The word is an "umbrella" term that encompasses anyone who lives outside(either full time or part time) the socially constructed and generally accepted gender norms based on physical sex at birth. This includes, but is not limited to, cross-dressers, drag king/queens, gays lesbians and bisexuals, pansexuals, transvestites, androgynes, intersex, and transsexuals. With so many different terms encompassed by the same umbrella term it's easy to see how some could get confused about which is what. Some will argue "I'm transgender, not transsexual" and that is acceptable, although I personally think it's not completely accurate. Some might simply like to use "softer" sounding words that don't bring disturbing thoughts or images to mind either for themselves or the person they might share that information with. Others might simply be confused or unaware of the actual or accepted definition of a term.

Cross-dresser- From what I've learned, statistically a cross-dresser is generally a heterosexual male who enjoys occasionally or frequently stepping out of their rigid male gender role and into the rold of female. Many are even family men with well-paying jobs. They may simply enjoy being catered to for a night. Have someone buy THEM a drink for once, compliment them, treat them like a lady. There are, of course, cross-dressing females as well. These people generally don't believe themselves to BE the opposite gender, they just like playing the role. Some do it in private and never share it with anyone, others go out to a cross-dresser friendly club or bar once a week, etc. The main thing is however, they don't LIVE every day as the gender opposite the one they were assigned at birth. Sometimes cross-dressing is a stepping stone to other things, but I don't want to confuse the issue with cross-definitions.

 Drag King/Queen- This one should be more straight-forward. A drag performer is just that; a performer. Drag performers, whether King or Queen, are playing a role, usually in an outrageous and stereotypical fashion. There are plenty of people who down drag performers or say they don't belong under the umbrella of Transgender, or say they give the Transgender community a bad name, etc. I disagree. They are performers, it's like a job to them that they enjoy, and they quite often are decent people. They don't try to fool or trick anyone into believing they ARE the gender they are presenting, and they understand that they are performers playing a role. This too can be a stepping stone to other things.

Transvestite- This word can be very confusing and misleading to people because it is often the first thing people think of when they hear most of the other words/terms listed herein. It is also one of the terms mostly attributed to the  stereotyping of other people. Here's the short and quick definition: A transvestite is a person, usually a man, who adopts the dress, demeanor and role of the opposite sex usually for emotional or sexual gratification. There are different degrees or types of Transvestite, some being very fetishistic, including bondage and discipline, sadomasochism etc. In short these people don't generally believe themselves to actually be the opposite gender, it's a role they play for emotional/sexual gratification.

Transsexual- This term can also be confusing and misleading to people because it is often mistaken for the above entry. A transsexual is NOT a transvestite. They are NOT a drag performer, or a cross-dresser. A lot of transsexuals refuse to use this word to describe themselves because they say "my gender has nothing to do with my sexuality", which is true, but that is not what the word transsexual means. The word sexual in the term does not refer to who a person is attracted to. The way I think of it is this: My gender has always been female. As long as I can remember I have felt this, so I am not changing my gender; I am however changing my physical sex so it more or less aligns with my gender. So I am TRANScending my SEX, not my GENDER. For an MtF Transsexual, like me, I was born with the physical reproductive system of a male, while my gender (the behavioral, cultural or psychological traits typically associated with one sex) was and is female.

When a person cannot fit the socially-constructed and gender-normalized role they are assigned according to their physical sex at birth, there comes a time when they must find some happy medium that they can live with. They might find happiness as a cross-dresser, a drag king or queen, a transvestite, an androgyne, or a transsexual. A person does not decide to become a transsexual, but they DO decide whether or not to do something about it. Some transition, and some unfortunately end up taking their own lives. Some try to bury it and ignore it. Some find a happy medium where they can explore the "other side" without having to fully transition. I'm not saying that all cross-dressers, drag performers etc. are actually transsexuals, but I'm sure many are. They might simply have decided it wasn't worth the potential losses to transition fully and found a way to be content with themselves.

The main reason I wrote this was to (hopefully) give some clarification of some of the terms that are often confused with others. When someone says the word Transsexual, many people will conjure up all sorts of stereotypes that generally comprise a mixture of the different terms I have tried to define above. So does understanding equal acceptance? Maybe... but would that really be such a terrible thing?

Real Women Don't...

It seems that there are people out there -- trans or otherwise -- who seem to have made it their life's mission to constantly compare trans women to genetic women and tell us what we're doing wrong. They seem to believe that they alone hold some magical key to the blueprint of what a woman really is or should be, and that it is their duty to share this deep knowledge with us. Whether in blogs, status updates, chat conversations, comment sections of photos, or what-have-you, you can always find at least one person who goes out of their way to inform everyone that "real women don't..." There are even people that you can count on to go out of their way to do this. They put us under their personal microscope and analyze everything we say, do, wear, or believe, and compare it to some arbitrary personal ideal of womanhood as they themselves see it. Even if you give the most basic description of what (you believe) a woman is, there are many that will still not fit into that description for various reasons. What a woman "is" is too layered and complex to be easily defined.

There are plenty of women who wear makeup, skirts and heels every day to the office. These same women are also capable of donning jeans, a sweatshirt and a cap to watch their children play baseball on the weekend. There are plenty of women who can spend an evening at a bar with friends drinking beer and socializing, and then on the very next night could get done up for a fancy wine tasting. There are plenty of women who drive sports cars, trucks, and SUV's, and these same women could also drive a Lexus or Benz to the office. There are plenty of women who use words like dear, sweetie, hun, and darlin', just as there are plenty of women who say dude or buddy. These women do all these things and more, and above all that they don't generally have to worry about being criticized at every turn about "real women don't..." because, in fact, yes they do. REAL women do it all.

Perhaps instead of focusing your personal microscope on everyone else, these people should turn that microscope inward and try to see if they can figure out what is really bothering them so much that they have to criticize and nit-pick everyone around them for every little thing. Maybe these people should stop worrying so much about what everyone else is doing and just live their own damn lives. I don't stick my nose in what everyone else is doing because when it comes down to it, it's really none of my damn business. 

So before you write that next line about "real women don't..." just remember one thing. I'm not trying to be other women. I'm just being me.