Being trans for me is and has been a journey of self; self love, self awareness, self acceptance, self expression. Learning to shed all the years of learned behaviours in order to let the real inner self come through takes time. Feeling myself grow and blossom over the last six months has been incredible. The inner peace I feel is so beautiful I could weep. Never before in my life have I been able to say I liked myself, or being me, much less being able to say I LOVE myself. I can honestly say I am well on my way to liking myself very much. I see things in a new light. I am happier and more sociable. I feel free.
The girl in me was shamed into hiding at a young age. I remember being in kindergarten and finding myself drawn toward what was typically girl play. I jumped rope, played hopscotch, played with dolls, etc. My friends consisted of girls rather than boys. I simply did what I identified with instinctively. It wasn't a choice. A 6-year-old has no understanding of the difference between girls and boys. I just did what I liked. Teachers, peers, and ultimately my parents admonished, punished, and ridiculed me to the point that I felt ashamed to express myself for fear of drawing attention. I got called everything you could think of from fag, queer, sissy, homo, retard.... the list goes on.
This caused me to internalize my true nature, hiding who I really was and replacing her with the closest approximation to a male I could come up with. Not actually being male; at least not mentally or emotionally, it was a rather poor attempt as I simply did not know how to be a male. I still got ridiculed and shamed by those around me for being more girlie than manly. I learned quickly to just sit quietly in the corner and read or draw so as not to attract undue attention.
There came a time when I mostly forgot all of this and began to think instead that there was just something terribly wrong with me. I began to feel self loathing and didn't know why. I simply couldn't stand being me. It didn't feel right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. In my twenties I began cross-dressing in secret. This wasn't a sexual thing, it was actually more a comfort like a security blanket. I just felt good when dressed. I began to imagine my body a different shape, my hair thicker and longer, my face more feminine. The longing I felt was bittersweet. It was a good feeling mixed with pain at the knowledge that I would never achieve it.
Every so often I would purge, and completely change my manner of dress, hairstyle and color, and try to find some happiness as a male. However, just as with the secret dressing, the satisfaction was short-lived and I was left feeling empty raw and dead inside. My self hatred grew, and I felt a boiling rage filling me, snuffing out any kind of real love or acceptance of self and replacing it with hate. Even then I wasn't aware of anything other than I wished I was born female and there must be something terribly wrong with me for feeling that way. I often referred to myself as a troll or creature, rather than a human or a man. I eventually began wanting to die. Wishing to simply die in my sleep so as not to be forced to continue to live the life I had grown to hate.
Discovering I was trans was a real turning point. I had finally broken down and given in to my desire to be more feminine and bought breast forms, pocket bras, gaffs, wigs and clothing. I began toying with the idea of being a drag performer thinking it would ease the dysphoria and allow me to continue living with some sense of peace. Simply dressing however, only satisfied the dysphoria for a short time. I found that having to take the "girl" off just made me feel even worse. I really hated that it felt more like a costume or disguise than anything else and I knew that it wasn't just about looking the part. I really wanted to BE woman, not just emulate one. A friend told me to look into the terms transgender and transsexual.
As I researched and learned I saw so many startling parallels between myself and other trans women that it was almost as if they were telling MY story. My past and childhood memories came back to me and things started to fit together. The confusing jig-saw puzzle of my life fell together and for the first time in my life everything made sense. I continued to research, learn, and talk to others for the next year or so as I began to plan my own transition. I "came out" to my closest friends and began dressing more often, going out in public and spending more time en femme.
A little more than six months ago it all came to a head when I began to seriously worry and stress over whether or not I would ever be able to afford insurance, a doctor, or a therapist; let alone the expenses of hair removal, FFS, and GCS. I decided to take matters into my own hands rather than wait any longer. I found an online pharmacy that was able to ship to the us and began taking low doses of Estrofem and Spirotone. After a month I increased the doses, and after another month I increased them again. Around the third month I added Finasteride to aid in hair regrowth, and to help the Spiro to fight the masculinizing effects of T. At my age, I need the extra assistance for feminizing.
It's too late now to go and write a month-by-month summary of the changes I have seen, but I will give a short overview here. There are other trans women out there that have kept very detailed logs of their progress.
The first real difference I noticed was around the second week when I began to feel a definite sense of calm and well-being setting in. All the negative emotions and self-hate quickly began to dissipate and was replaced by an overall warmth and peace. Around the third week I began to notice a definite softening of my skin, and nodules had begun to form under my nipples. They also became incredibly sore, and it took just the lightest bump to cause severe sharp pain. My appetite didn't change, but I did slowly begin to gain weight. My jeans began to get tighter around my ass and thighs while tops began to fit better and not feel so tight. I had been epilating leg and body hair since before HRT and I noticed a huge difference there too. I had been epilating approximately twice a week. Now, I can go two to three weeks in between, and most of the body hair is either completely gone now or so fine and light in color as to be nearly invisible.
As time went on I began to notice a difference in the smell of my skin and urine. My sex-drive dropped like a stone, and I no longer got spontaneous erections. I feel I can think more clearly now without a high sex-drive getting in the way and clouding things. I am more sociable and friendly and open. My breasts continued to slowly grow in small spurts, the pain in the nipples subsiding in between. My chest measurement went down from 36 to 34 and my hips went from 35 to 36. My legs and thighs have continued to fill out as well, while my arms and upper torso have slowly lost muscle mass. Body hair is still continuing to diminish. My skin has gotten progressively softer, as has the hair on my head. My sense of smell seems to have been heightened, and certain men suddenly smell GOOD. I also found that I pee more often, and sweat much less. Even when I do sweat, I don't have that "guy" smell anymore. I feel more tired now and seem to have less energy than before. My breasts are getting close to being a full A cup and I definitely fill out my clothing much better than before. My emotions, while evening out and being much more calm and easygoing, have changed in another way too. I'm much more likely now to confront someone when I feel they have wronged me. My temper will flare and soon after will dissipate instead of leaving me feeling angry for days or weeks. I'm much happier and more prone to singing and giggling for no apparent reason.
My dysphoria, while not completely gone, is definitely on it's way out. It still flares now and then, especially when I see the younger, prettier trans women and wish I had started this journey long ago. Mostly, however, I am happy with life. I'm happy with myself. I finally understand myself and who I am and I am slowly learning to let her shine.
My birthday was yesterday. I turned 42. It was also within a few days of my 6th month on HRT and also marks the day when I finally got health insurance coverage. I am now in touch with a gender therapist, and have chosen a PCP that has specific expertise in the health of trans women.
I feel so much better about life and about myself than I ever have. I'm happy and at peace. I understand myself. I like myself. I look to the future now, and it is bright and full of promise.
~April Dawne~
